I am not sure how many people really think about the difference there is between Peer Pressure and Peer Influence.  In today’s world, we are all fighting to “do what is right”, and “take responsibility for our own actions”.  Let me add to this a bit.

Growing up, most of us were taught to stay away from peer pressure.  There were programs, systems, and even methods developed to help us learn not to pay attention to the pressure that others may put on us.  Let’s think on this just a bit.  Who is putting the pressure on us and why?  The modern day psychologists are telling us to take responsibility for our own thoughts and actions, yet, there is still so much contridiction in some of the current teaching.  We aren’t able to change the old teachings when the new teachings aren’t being taught to replace them.

One such teaching that needs refreshing is Peer Influence.  Peer influence is the way that we see peers and the way that we allow ourselves to be influenced by them.  Whereas, Peer Pressure is where others, within the same age or peer grouping are putting pressure on you to change or be what they want you to be or how they want you to act.  Do you see the difference in the operating word here?  Pressure is the other person’s choice and Influence is your choice.  I didn’t see the difference for so long, yet, I felt it in my subconscious.

Others only have the amount of control over you, that you allow them to have.  As teen-agers going through adolescence, the changes are huge.  The self imagine and self talk of a teen is so self absorbed that the ability to sway a decision from good to bad is one simple “yes”.  What causes that decision to change?   A good person, who grows up in a good home, with good morals and then the unthinkable happens.

One day, a parent gets a call from the local police station that her daughter was arrested for breaking and entering someones home.  A School Principal has to suspend a Honor Roll child for smoking in the bathroom.  Maybe, a Neighbor has to call the parents of a group of young boys who she witnesses beating up the new kid on the block.  Where do we start and why do we have to even deal with such behavior?

Misconceptions are all around us.  The quicker we recognize what they are, the better we are able to deal with them.  Teaching our children to stay away from bad influences isn’t bad in itself.  We realize that there is harm is being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  But, that isn’t the bottom line of most issues that kids will face as they grow up.  We need to teach the kids to take responsibiltiy for what they are thinking.  Help them to recognize their own thoughts and how they work for or against them.

Take for example a teenage girl that just started at a new school.  She is 13, fairly slender, but not skinny.  At 13, she is thinking “SKINNY, BONEY, TOOTHPICK”, among other adjectives.  She looks in the mirror and sees what she is thinking.  She wonders if others will see her that way too.  As she gets off the bus in front of her new school, she sees a boy that she thinks is cute.  Almost as soon as that thought enters her mind, she starts thinking about her toothpick leggs, her wirey ankles, and boney knees that are showing since she decided to wear the red skirt that was too short, instead of the blue one that was longer.  She lowers her head so as not to have eye contact with the boy and brings her books up to her chest for comfort, as she quickly shuffles past him.  The boy never said a word to her, never had the chance to say anything, however, the girl won’t forget and will probably avoid that boy.

Lets take it a step further, where the girl feels deeply about that “boy’s thoughts”.  The thoughts that were really her own conception of his thoughts.  Later, she makes friends with a girl that she is comfortable enough to share with.  At lunch, the two girls are sitting at a table eating, and the boy comes in and sits at the same table.  While the boy still has said nothing to or about the girl, the girl starts sharing with her new friend.  She might say something like, “You see that boy that just sat down?  Well, this morning, when I got off the school bus, he thought my leggs were skinny”.  The new friend just happens to know that particular boy and his reputation.  The new friend makes a rude comment to the boy about how could he be so mean.   Well, of course, the new girl sides with her new friend and collaborates with her out loud.

How fair was that to this boy?  How real was that to this girl?  These types of scenarios are happening all the time.  Everyday, everywhere we are misconceiving what others think of us, by our own bias thoughts.  How can we prevent this?  Education on what is real and what isn’t will help.  Focusing on self thinking and perception, rather than on the external presence of someone else.  We can never control what others think about us, unless we purposely try to.  And then, are we really sure that they are thinking what we are thinking that they are thinking?  What a mouthful.

An example of one of these “thought provoking” moments was when my children and myself were out shopping for RV’s.  We stopped at the only Motorhome dealership in our area.  I walked into the place and let the salesman know that I was looking for some type of Motorhome and that his shop was the first stop that we had made.  I told him what I was looking for, and that I wasn’t sure exactly what I wanted just yet.  He said that he only had one vechile that would fit my description and then he got the keys out.  I thought his statement was a bit strange since I hadn’t given him anything but general information to go on.   I wasn’t sure how he could conclude that he only had one item available for me to look at.  I brushed that thought off and followed him out to the Motorhome with my boys right behind me.

We got up into the motorhome and the salesman was relucant to help too much.  I told him that I would like to test drive it, but would like to look a bit more.  The salesman looked right at me and said, “Well, do you have someone else that is going to go in on his with you?”  I replied with, “Why, do you mean a husband?”  The salesman said, “Yes, and why don’t you come back later on with your husband and you can test drive it then.”  You can imagine what I was thinking!  My reality to this situation was that the man didn’t want me to test drive the vehicle without my husband and that I wasn’t able to drive the vehicle for myself.  His reality was that he had a lady there with 2 small boys wanting to test drive a 26′ motorhome and he didn’t feel that I was serious.  He made a $6,600.00 mistake, because I was going to buy the motorhome and thought that the price was right.  However, I chose not to buy from him and tell all my friends about his bigotted attitude.  See how things can get really warped over something so simple.  I really don’t know what that salesman was thinking, because I left without dealing with him.

In summary, I think that if we just recognize the difficulty and train our minds how to think about ourselves and others, we could better deal with such issues as Peer Pressure.  Peer Pressure isn’t Peer Influence.  They are opposites of each other.  Thanks for listening and I hope it will help.

Cinderella S. Kelley Kroh (Sunday, May 25th, 2008)